Neeta Nayak, Author at Pulse

No Diamond Necklace

While most 16-year-olds have parties to celebrate turning “Sweet Sixteen,” my memories of that birthday are of a disinfectant-varnished hospital.

One morning while I was studying physics, my observant surgeon-dad said, “Let’s look at your neck.” I thought it an odd request. “You have a thyroid mass,” he said. Within moments, I was weighing treatment options. Ironically, my dad’s thesis during his surgical residency was on thyroid disease: one of life’s wry twists.

My first thought was “Is this cancer? Will I be dead by 17?”

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Safety Is Not Optional

1 Comment / Motor Vehicle Accidents / Neeta Nayak

When your life truly flashes before your eyes and you think, “This may be it—my last moment on planet Earth,” it is not a cinematic moment. There is only spinning. The sharp scent of gunpowder. A tree directly ahead. An airbag that hits you square in the face as you think, “Death by tree.”

Then everything stops. There are gurgling sounds and dusty smoke.

For a second, I wondered if I was waking up in heaven. Then came screeching sirens and flashing lights.

“Ma’am, are you all right?”

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From Longing to Belonging

1 Comment / Longing / Neeta Nayak

I wonder if there is anyone alive who does not suffer from a case of acute longing every now and then. I used to think that once I reached a certain age, or a certain level of maturity, or a certain financial condition, I would be rid of such feelings. I realize now that there is no such milestone. Longing does not ever retire.

I started writing poetry seriously during COVID, but my relationship with writing began much earlier. I remember writing my first poem when I was ten years old, about the sun being the biggest ball of fire: a bold metaphor, I thought. I showed it to an adult at school—who laughed and said that it was juvenile. That only Shakespeare, Wordsworth, and Tagore were worthy of being called poets. That everyone else was plainly pretending.

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Nursing Is Noble!

Two Drops of Relief

5 Comments / House Calls and Home Care / Neeta Nayak

Just as one never forgets a first kiss, one also never forgets a first house call. And specializing as I did in geriatrics included becoming a specialist in house calls.

At the university where I did my fellowship, the university contracted with a hospice company, which provided me with my first exposure to house calls, as well as to interdisciplinary teams—including social workers, chaplains, and volunteers. The hospice case manager was Nurse R, a seasoned 30-year veteran. She invited me to ride with her, zipping through Chicago’s narrow streets in her station wagon and parking in impossibly tight spots.

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No Mud, No Lotus

5 Comments / Chronic Pain / Neeta Nayak

A doctor rarely imagines becoming a victim of workplace violence leading to chronic pain. I was a young, idealistic geriatrician fresh out of my training when I began working in a memory care facility. It was a high-turnover unit, with residents dying or moving and new patients with dementia admitting almost daily.

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A Bathroom without Soap

1 Comment / Loss / Neeta Nayak

“Life without hope is like a bathroom without soap,” our mathematics teacher Mr. R—who often lapsed into unexpected philosophical musings—said aloud to a class of seventh graders.

The class of twelve-year-olds burst into giggles, finding it funny.

It took me a decade to realize the profoundness of the loss embedded in that statement.

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A Life Saved in the Hospital

4 Comments / Hospitalized / Neeta Nayak

Starting to see hospitalized patients saved my life.

I can’t count the number of times I thought about quitting during my preclinical years of medical school. But in India, quitting or switching careers felt like suicide. I hated dissecting dead people, pithing living frogs, peering into microscopes, dropping chemicals into a terrified bunny’s eyes. But I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to the medical world, so I slogged on, earned good grades, and eventually reached the clinical part of medical school.

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The Brown Girl

2 Comments / Immigrants / Neeta Nayak

I was 25 years old when I started my internship. My heart palpitated on my first day, as I made rounds on a long patient list. I was dressed in a long skirt and blouse under my white coat. My raven hair, brown eyes, and Indian accent made me stand out.

All my patients were cooperative and my day was going well—until I got to my last patient.

Mrs. S was a frail lady with tightly permed silver hair. Peeking out from under her covers, she took one look at me and asked in a Southern accent, “Who said you can enter?”

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A Disease with Two Victims

1 Comment / Dementia / Neeta Nayak

One of the first house calls I made during my internal medicine residency many years ago was to visit Mr. R: a 70-year-old veteran, retired electrician, devoted grandfather, and church volunteer who’d shown signs of memory loss for six years. His forgetfulness was initially dismissed as “senior moments.” Then he forgot his wife’s birthday—something he’d never done in 40 years.

The turning point came when he got lost after picking up his grandson from school. They were finally found two hours away, where a flustered Mr. R had been driving in circles. Taking away his car keys was traumatic, and subsequent memory testing confirmed a probable diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease.

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A Legacy of Strength and Perseverance

6 Comments / Grit / Neeta Nayak

As a noun, grit is defined as “courage and resolve, strength of character.” It often emerges in the face of great challenges. We associate grit with heroic figures: army captains holding their ground against tremendous odds, navy commanders saving sinking ships, air force pilots navigating disaster zones. Yet, many gritty individuals remain unsung heroes, quietly shaping lives. My maternal grandfather was one such hero.

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The Love of Her Labor

6 Comments / Birth / Neeta Nayak

An arranged marriage followed by childbirth within the next year was the lot of many Indian women for centuries.

Moving to the USA provided some reproductive freedom. With little support from extended family in a foreign land, I wanted to complete fellowship before having children, but the dreaded biological clock was ticking louder. I remember feeling conflicted: wanting to wait, but acutely aware of aging eggs. We decided there would never be a perfect time.

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Neeta Nayak