March 2021
Setting Expectations
Jockeying for a COVID vaccine appointment brings back memories of the last time I joined a crowd in pursuit of public health.
It was the swine flu era, in the 1970s. Along with my mother, whose baseline anxiety made her an ever-conscientious patient, I reported for my shot to the gym at a local college. We shuffled along long, slow lines, showing our IDs, signing the informed consent forms.
Setting Expectations Read More »
Who Will Buy the King Cake?
I have anxiety. I can freely admit it and even laugh at myself now that years and years separate my terror from my present. I can acknowledge that it is better for me to stay on an SSRI consistently after several starts and false stops over the past two decades.
I have always gone to work and cared for the children and put one foot in front of the other and put on a brave face. But I have been nearly convinced at different times over the years that I had congenital heart disease, lymphoma, esophageal/ovarian/breast/brain/pancreatic cancer, hemochromatosis, heparin-induced thrombocytopenia, multiple sclerosis, and leukemia. Sometimes I joke, “I’ve had every kind of cancer there is, even testicular cancer.” As ridiculous as it sounds, my racing mind could find a way for that to be so even with my complement of XX chromosomes.
Sometimes I have had understandable triggers for mental misery: a devastating college breakup; two miscarriages; a medical malpractice suit. At other times the panicky thoughts seem to come out of nowhere — noticing a tiny purple skin lesion or a sharp pang within my abdomen fast forwards immediately to my untimely death and my
Who Will Buy the King Cake? Read More »
Even Now
Two decades ago, during my first week
as an X-ray tech, I watched a boy die.
He was, thankfully, not a boy I knew
or loved but one I’d gone to X-ray.
Grieving in the Age of Zoom
Oncologists like myself are no strangers to death. It is all too familiar. We give our patients the best that medicine has to offer; we cure them if we can. When our efforts fail, we relieve their pain and ease their suffering. And when they pass away, we grieve. With their friends, colleagues, family members, partners and spouses, we grieve.
Almost by definition, a time of mourning is a time of gathering. Both to grieve and to console, we must be present with one another. I try to be there for my patients and their families and to answer all of their questions with candor and concern.
Grieving in the Age of Zoom Read More »
À Cause de la Guerre
It was the winter of 1991. We were a group of 25 or so Dartmouth College students on a language study abroad (LSA) program in Lyon, France. A few days after our arrival, the United States led a multinational coalition in an intensive bombing campaign against Iraq. This made Americans quite unpopular in Lyon.
When we’d enrolled in the LSA, we’d envisioned train-hopping through Europe during our free time, notre temps libre. We’d imagined bonding together over cheap French wine, chocolate croissants, and buttery baguettes. Instead, we had the war. La guerre.
À Cause de la Guerre Read More »
The Gift of Friendship
Even before COVID, I tended to live an isolated life. I interacted with my colleagues and students at the Writing Center where I worked, and I chatted with other ushers at cultural events—but once I was at home, I welcomed the silence and aloneness that my apartment offered. COVID, however, has made me more cognizant of the value of people—of how friends have provided a silver lining to the darkness of this pandemic.
I wonder what I would have done if the parents of the children I tutor had not reached out to me during these past twelve months. They have grocery-shopped for me, brought me dinners, and stayed in touch with me on a regular basis. I used to tell my middle school students that friends are the family we choose for ourselves; how fortunate I am that my friends have chosen me to be a part of their extended families.
For the past five years, I have attended my city’s Broadway Cabaret. The Cultural Trust assigned me to a table with three other people, none of whom I had previously known. However, our shared love for Broadway turned us into friends who went to dinners and shows together
The Gift of Friendship Read More »
An Editor’s Invitation: Silver Linings
Dear Pulse readers,
I’d like to think that every cloud has a silver lining, and every unfortunate occurrence brings moments of grace.
That’s sometimes true with illness.
When my Belgian mother became ill with Alzheimer’s, it brought headaches and heartaches. After every fall or episode of getting lost, we’d try to talk with her about the future. Her answer was always the same: “I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”
An Editor’s Invitation: Silver Linings Read More »
