fostering the humanistic practice of medicine publishing personal accounts of illness and healing encouraging health care advocacy

fostering the humanistic practice of medicine publishing personal accounts of illness and healing encouraging health care advocacy

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Grin and Bear It

Making it through medical training, an ableist system, with a disabled body, took all the grit I could summon. In residency, I managed severe pain and exhaustion from an autoimmune condition. Work hours were grueling, and I needed to sleep nearly every minute I was not in the hospital. Attending medical appointments or working make-up shifts for peers who covered sick call in my “free time” on post-call days was torture.

My daily physical pain was tremendous and never abated. My foot neuropathy in particular was exacerbated by the demands of rotations. I’d stack three inserts in my shoes to no avail. I was even once documented as unprofessional for wearing cushioned shoes. By 10 a.m. I’d be dying to sit, and rounds seemed endless. One outpatient rotation was in a somewhat small office, and only attendings were allotted seats. Trainees were assumed to be able-bodied and able to stand for the entire work day. All day, I’d be sucking up tears from near-crippling foot pain.

Beyond the typical demands of the workday,  heroics were sometimes expected. My fellow trainees were lauded for hiking miles in feet of snow to get to the hospital. Whereas I would muffle huffing and puffing after being dragged up the stairs on rounds.

Perceived failings were treated harshly. I have dyscalculia, a math learning disability. I can do complex math if using a calculator, but struggle to do arithmetic in my head. On NICU rounds, I was asked to calculate some cal/ml/kg/hr in my head. I could not do it, and the fellow seized on this weakness. Daily she would roast and belittle me on rounds. One attending joined in and the two seemed to take joy in bullying me. My program director was aware of what was occurring, but the merciless bullying was tolerated. On a rotation with long hours, where I rarely saw the winter sun, this pushed my mental health to its limit.

Even harder than the physical challenges were the, at times, ableist and uncompassionate remarks made by colleagues. I heard callous statements about patients with chronic illness and pain. These remarks, made by people who have never experienced unrelenting pain, hit me hard and personally.

The years spent in this environment took every ounce of grit that I had, and the scars still remain.

Heather Finlay-Morreale
Shrewsbury, Massachusetts

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1 thought on “Grin and Bear It”

  1. Thank you Heather for sharing the hurdles your faced during medical training, and for the grit you gathered to get through. I’m confident that as an educator you will be part of creating a more humane system for everyone.

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