April More Voices: Guts

Dear readers,

When I think about which parts of my medical training required guts, what pops into my head is my very first clinical rotation: surgery.

You might think that I’d have been most fearful of what I’d encounter in the operating room–spurting blood and writhing intestines.

In truth, the thing that roiled my own guts was the hour that I’d have to report. The thought of getting up at 4:30 AM–to shower, dress, have breakfast, catch a bus to the hospital and trudge to the surgical ICU–filled me with despair.

I am a night owl. I find mornings dreary and depressing–unless I’m heading off on a holiday. And this would be no holiday.

Was it humanly possible to get up that early? A part of me wondered whether the ring of my alarm clock could actually kill me.

Did it take guts to get up early, or was it just a case of taking the path of least resistance? I could get up early–or drop out of medical school. As painful as it was to get up at 4:30, it would have been even more painful to quit.

Maybe the same applies to receiving a bad diagnosis. A couple of years prior I’d been hospitalized with a diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. Did it take guts to handle that–or was I simply making the best of a bad situation?

What choice did I have? I could either try to manage this new reality–test my blood sugars and inject myself with insulin several times a day–or I could skip along, pretending that my diagnosis didn’t exist. Where would that get me? Blind, on dialysis, and dying young from a heart attack.

Which path should I choose? What options did I really have?

Some things do take guts. It takes guts to give someone one of your kidneys. Or to donate blood when needles terrify you. To accompany your kid on a roller coaster when you’re afraid of heights. To become a doctor when you’ve always fainted at the sight of blood–yes,  there are people who start medical school with that handicap.

It takes guts to put one foot in front of the other when you’re losing hope and are tempted to give up. When your child has once again succumbed to addiction. When depression settles in, shuts off the lights and locks every door. When you’ve lost your spouse of forty years. When the only country you’ve ever known is actively trying to get rid of you.

I once had a colleague who lost his job and went through a gut-wrenching period of self-doubt. “You never know what someone is going through at two in the morning,” he said. At that moment, I sensed what his wee hours might be like, and I shuddered.

He persevered. And that took guts.

April’s More Voices theme is Guts. What’s been your experience of showing guts, of seeing someone exhibit guts, or maybe the opposite–as a patient, a healthcare provider or a family member?

Share your story using the More Voices Submission Form. For more details, visit More Voices FAQs. And have a look at last month’s theme: Motor Vehicle Accidents.

Remember, your story should be 40-400 words. And no poetry, please.

We look forward to hearing from you. And thanks for being a part of the Pulse community.

Warmly,

Paul Gross
Editor

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