fostering the humanistic practice of medicine publishing personal accounts of illness and healing encouraging health care advocacy

fostering the humanistic practice of medicine publishing personal accounts of illness and healing encouraging health care advocacy

Inner Turmoil

 
As a third-year medical student, I know I have a beautiful purpose in life. I care deeply about my patients. But the one person I am having difficulty treating is myself.

Daily, I struggle with the stress of preparing for the next stage of my career–applying for a residency in dermatology. Can it really be less than three years ago that I was filled with exuberance and happiness during my first-year White Coat Ceremony? That I was basking in the accomplishment of starting my journey through the promised land of a life serving patients?

But nowadays, I find it nearly impossible to resist the temptation to immerse myself in computer games instead of researching patient charts. I find myself regularly thinking, I hope this patient doesn’t show up so I can go home early. These are battles that I am losing, badly. Yet I care immensely about my patients, otherwise I wouldn’t have chosen medicine. But how do I care for myself?

I am reinforced by my colleagues and teachers. I do not lack the intelligence to make wise decisions. But I’m not executing, as my basketball coach used to tell me. I feel like I’m being barraged from every imaginable angle, left defenseless with an unopened solutions guide. That isn’t good enough. Did I include all of the patient’s history? Do I have enough research? Will program directors even like me? It’s completely normal to be worried; anxiety fosters preparation. But immobilization, paralysis due to internal anguish, is pathognomonic for a problem. During times of mental despair, self-hatred is channeled into negativity that penetrates the heart and clouds any flicker of optimism.

When I greet a patient suffering from anxiety or depression, I know that I can show empathy on the surface, but I am aware that I lack true comprehension of the pain they are experiencing inside. I know about wounds that are hidden from the naked eye.

Life moves steadily forward. I rely on my classmates, preceptors and patients for support to conquer the honorable enemy wreaking havoc within me. As a future physician, I have gained the knowledge and humility to realize that we are not indestructible; rather, we are vulnerable. However, we are given the tools to combat these seemingly treacherous illnesses. No sacrifice is worth it.

Every morning when I open my eyes, I remind myself that I am here for a beautiful purpose.

Anonymous

Subscribe

Get the latest issue of Pulse delivered to your inbox, free.

Comments

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related More Voices

More Voices Themes

Scroll to Top