you ran a knife across
your wrists, you called
to say you had finally
tried coffee.
“It’s disgusting. How do you drink this shit?”
Well, how do you decide your pulse
is a song on the radio you’d rather not
listen to? I didn’t say that, of course,
I laughed and swore to you that
coffee just took exposure. I could picture
you perfectly: a hospital mug tucked into
your lap, one hand on the inpatient phone,
the other toying with your bandage. I’m sure
you smirked at all the things I didn’t say.
Four years of medical education, and I
still don’t know how to talk to those
who wish to die. This is nothing like
coffee. The bitterness does not ebb the more
I speak of suicide. I will always feel that I am
burning my tongue, that I am screaming into
a heavy wind. My words, my reason, thirteen
years of friendship are all
paper airplanes when compared
with your desire to end your own life.
7 thoughts on “The Day After”
I worked in a state psych hospital as an orderly 69-71. Many people talked about death. Only one actually committed suicide, within 24hrs of discharge, w/o ever having expressed suicidal intent.
30+years later as a physician and parent I had occasion to listen to suicidal thoughts expressed by 2 very close relatives. I did what they called “suicide contracts”. 20+ yrs later they’re alive and well. So far, so good.
She has voiced what many of us feel but do not experience up close and personal. It feels the same in the heart though.
Brilliant poem about a difficult subject.
Very powerful piece of writing, Ms. Johnston, and very insightful in describing the helplessness you can feel when talking to someone determined to commit suicide. I practiced for 40 years and still struggled to find the right things to say in the moment to a suicidal patient. It looks like you are starting from a better place in considering those conversations; best of luck to you as you begin clinical practice.
I know this story. Thank you for giving it voice.
Your writing is amazing! I have known several people who have tried to end their lives, so your words definitely resonated with me. Also, I profoundly admire a person who excels in both the sciences and the humanities—in medicine and in poetry.
Wow. I’ve practiced medicine for over 30 years and I’ve talked with lots of people about lots of things. But I’ve never knowingly talked with someone whom I know wants to kill themselves. This is pretty disturbing, but is communicated with us very effectively. I hope that maybe this person is still alive?